I miss...

Dear Allah, 

I miss to kiss Ahmad without wearing mask. I miss the feeling when our cheek met. I miss to sleep in the same room and same bed, next to him. I miss the way he stare at me while I'm singing for him before sleeping. I miss to take an igs and post it to our private account. I miss it when I wake up earlier so I could kiss him and hug him from back. I miss the way he jump to wake me up if he wake up earlier than me. I miss to interact with him without boundary.. 

Ya Rabb, 

You know everything within the heart

I believe, You know it all too well

let it happen Ya Rabb... 

let it happen

then this ayat cross in my mind:

are You preparing me to entering Your Jannah, Ya Rabb? 

are You planning to let me in? 

let me in Ya Rabb.. 

let me in.. 

 

36th

I think my unforgettable birthday was on my 20th. some friends of mine came into AgriFM studio to surprised me while I was on air. wkwkw. if I remember then, it was magic that mas Ir allowed them did that. wkwkw

mas Ir is the Music Director of AgriFM. he's King of the King of AgriFM 👑 and he was sooooo scaaaaaary.. yaaa.. that scaaaaryyy.... wkwkwkw. even till now, I'm still scared of him 😅

after that surprised, they waited for me till I'm done airing. then we walked to Bara to had lunch at Sulung Sari (anak ipb darmaga aja sih yang tau ini wkwkwk) we go through KorTan (koridor tanah) and as long as the corridor, they keep telling everyone. YES DEFINETELY EVERYONE we met along the way that that day was my birthday. they also sang out loud this lyrics for me "Tuhan kirimkanlah fichuu, kekasih yang baik haati, yang mencintaaai fichu, apa aaadanyaaa~" wkwkwkwk. along the road~ can you imagine how embarassed I am?  wkwkwk... YES THEY ARE ALL INSANE! BUT I LOVE THEM.... 💕💕💕

inside the studio

at Sulung Sari

the night before, another friend of mine who was a singer in AgriaSwara and  co-friend in AgriFM too, called and woke me up at midnight then gently sang me "Happy Birthday". me? blush of course! 

can you find me? he was standing next to me

honestly, I'm not into birthday. my parents didn't teach me to celebrate the day. every year they only gave me the word Happy Birthday, wishes, kisses. just it. and it's enough for me.

aaand a week ago was my 36th. days before my 36th, the memory of my 20th birthday was keep on running in my head. I just remember the event, the people, the voice. then I think the moments is repeated. I don't think it was organized. it just a spontaneous act. but in a gorgeous one! have you ever imagine a candle above orange? yaa. the orange fruit! they sang me Happy Birthday and ask me to blow the candle above the orange. wkwkwk. impressive! 😂

(this is from mbacipa)

the other day, after the #GoestoCampus event at a Padjajaran Suites Hotel in Bogor, we are having evaluation meeting at Weekend.ers Bogor. they did it again. before the meeting started, I heard intro of Happy Birthday song and asked someone next to me; who's birthday? and he answered; you, of course! || mine is already yesterday. || it's you, mbak. said the other one in front of me. and they started singing Happy Birthday again. wkwkwk. okaaayyy... it's still my day... wkwkwk.... 

when it was about to finished, another Happy Birthday song was started again, when I look at my back, the resto crew are coming to me, singing Happy Birthday in a very high tone while bringing a slice of Red Velvet cake in a plate written "Happy Birthday Ficha" and several paper (idk what's written on the paper) buuutttttt.....  t.h.i.s  i.s  a.m.a.z.i.n.g wkwkwkwk..... this is just more that I ever expected. wkwkwkw

(this one is from mbaade paddle pop)

(this one is from mas Hendra whom he shared to masMar. wkwkw)

(this one is from mbaThelma 🤍🩷🩵)

and this is the cake

during the song, I just keep on laughing. I laughed at how amazing Allah bless me with anything. LITERALLY EVERYTHING. I suddenly remember the word from an old movie titled UnguViolet. one of Dian Sastro dialogue was "Tuhan, diantara sedihku, Kau selipkan juga bahagiaku" and yes indeed. I've been through a long and rough way. I don't even care anymore about my birthday. but they care. wkwkkw... 

Thank you. THANK YOU! I don't have any other words but thank you.... and the arranger of this heboh moment is mbaThelma. wkwkwk... makassi mbaTheelll..... I never imagined you would do this much for me. thank youuu so much. thank you to the moon and back. thank you a billion buuuuunch!!!! 🩷🩵🩶❤🧡💛💚💙💜🤍🤎

a conversation with

 💁🏻‍♂️: continue your life. you're still so young. 

🧕🏻 : nooo... I've been old enough. 

💁🏻‍♂️: no no no. it's all about mindset. when you live in your present while thinking about the future plans, then you are young. But when you live in your present but you overthink and carry out your past with you all the way, then you're old.

🧕🏻: ok, so I have to be young then... 

current anxiety

dear love, my melancholy side is just about to burst out in a sudden.

you know love, I always worry about you... 

your health, your condition, your body, your mood, your therapy continuity, your medication, your feeling, your vitamin, your food, your clothes, your underwear, plan about your circumcision, about you who I left home with otousan and okasan, about my wish to keep making you happy, about your sleep, about your blanket, about your pillow, about your pajamas, I just worrying anything about you....... 

I know this is not good for me, my feeling, my body, my mood, my health, my sleep quality, and this could be not good for you too.. Maybe people will see me as an overprotective mother but aaaaall I did, my reason to act like this is only to keep you healthy and make sure that you're okay... I just want to keep you  fine.  just it!

dear love, I've been through uncountable miserable things that I wish would never happened to you. I saw each of it with both of my own eyes. And to be honest, I was so scared... It was too scary. I always pray to Allah that I will never see it happened to you again so I won't seeing it anymore. I always pray to Allah that there will be only happy things in our life. I always pray for that, love..... 

but despite of aaaaaalll of the scary things that happened to you previously,  Alhamdulillah Allah still lend you back to me.. you are still with me. We're still together looveee.......... 

you know love, I think basically I'm just afraid of loosing. I'm afraid of loosing you. since I love you soooo much! I don't know what will I be if there's no you in my life. It could be empty. And your presence is just everything. you fill my holes. yes you are..

dear love, I just want you to know it.

I love you

I really do

Hello October

This is just half of October but it feels like I've been full... 

May was my starting point. I informally told my boss about the plan. He's kinda shock. He even ask me to take some day off to clear my mind. But all I think for the whole time, the only way to clear my mind is to have it done.. 

in June, we took mandatory family portrait for every Eid. Since Ahmad got a super high fever in the morning, right before we're going to pray Eid Al-Fitr (and then confirmed as covid again in RSUD Duren Sawit at night), we didn't take any picture that we used to that day...  

demo, here's our family portrait in Eid Al-Adha 

we moved to our new home in July. My mother's sih. But she said that this is ours, so this is ours :) I started to move on from the scary things that happened to Ahmad before. I accompanied him to have therapy session again. I took him to mall again. I just want to make him happy :') 

but unlucky, he's not that strong yet.. In August, he got the seizure again because we're going to his therapy by grab car. And yes he's not that strong yet.. That day, after we got home, he became silent. He ate but after that he throws it up. At night, he throws up again.. And a second later, he got the attack. Hiiikkkss... My heart just torn into pieces again.... 

September supposed to be our happy month because this is Ahmad's month! But only 3 days before his eight, he got the attack again. At this point, I feels like numb. I didn't know how to react. Yes I did help him to put diazepam when the seizure come, but after that I just freeze. I couldn't think clearly, I couldn't talk and even I couldn't cry like I used to. I just kept on looking at him, accompanying him, be beside him, holding his hands while contacting any doctor. 

but Allah is the Almighty. He still gave His permission for me to take Ahmad's picture when he was 8 like I usually did.. Allahu Akbar. 

and the update by half of this October is the process in my office about the plan is done. So I could take it up and out to the different level. Tomorrow supposed to be our third meet. And about Ahmad is still on process too, we went to Prof Irawan last month. He changed Ahmad's medicine to Levetiracetam. And I think I will follow him for Ahmad's sake... 

Still, there will be another two months left for this year.  May they become the sunshine after the rain. For me, for Ahmad, for my mother, for my father and for everyone who had serious problems in their lyfe. Aamiin yra... 

060523

akhirnya selubung itu bersedia pergi 

akhirnya dia bilang dia serahkan aku kembali 

ya! 

akhirnya.. 

sedetik ku merasa lega 

sedetik kemudian terbayang jalan di depan mata 

terlihat panjang 

sangat panjang 

terlalu panjang 

hingga tak jelas bisa ku lihat apa 

kucoba agak picingkan mata 

masih juga belum bisa jelas ku lihat apa

masih belum terlihat apa apa 

apakah karena silau yang terlalu terang?

atau gelap yang kemarin, terlalu gelap? 

tapi sementara sepertinya memang masih akan gelap 

aku tahu

tidak mungkin akan langsung terang

aku tahu

tapi nanti pasti terang 

aku yakin

karena aku masih punya dia 

si bunga taman hati ku :')

tapi...

apa boleh ku harapkan dia (yang lain)? 

... 

berharap dia kepada siapa?

Allah.

karena aku selalu punya Dia

insyaAllah :')

Ahmad kena covid lagi. Hiiikkkss

dulu fahmi pernah bilang. Katanya kalau anak sakit itu adalah untuk menggugurkan dosa orangtuanya. Hiks. Maafin mamah, Ahmad.... Mamah banyak dosaaa... 

Gak pernah kepikiran kalau Ahmad akan kena Covid lagi untuk yang ke-2 kalinya :(

Berawal dari Sabtu (22/4/23) pagi. 06.40 sebelum solat ied. Mamah-papah-rafy udah riweuh dan berisik mau berangkat. Gue aja kebangun. Tapi Ahmad belum bangun. Tadinya gue mau langsung bikinin sarapan buat Ahmad. Tapi mau ngecek Ahmad dulu. Gue pegang. badannya panaaass... Panik! Langsung ambil termometer dan ukur suhu Ahmad. 38.7! Makin panik! Langsung deg2an, takut, mau nangis, campur aduk. Tapi masih bisa mikir buat ngambil proriss supp dan proris syrup. Supp langsung dimasukin ke pantat, yg syrup dikasih minum Ahmad. Mamah manasin air. Selesai ngasih obat, Ahmad gue kasih minum. selesai kasih minum, air udah anget dan buru2 kompres Ahmad. Imam udah takbir rakaat 1. Mamah sama rafy buru2 berangkat. Selesai salam, buru2 pulang lagi. Ahmad masih dikompres. Belum di suhu ulang. 

4 jam kemudian, menjelang 10.40, Alhamdulillah kayanya suhu Ahmad mulai stabil. Tapi tetep gue kasih Ahmad paracetamol syrup. Abis minum pct alhamdulillah bener stabil.  Obat selanjutnya, proris syrup 14.40. Menjelang 13.30 Ahmad udah ngantuk bgt. Tapi gue tahan karena tanggung makannya dikit lagi. 14.00 udah nggak tahan banget. Akhirnya makannya udahan. Gue kasih minum. 14.15 tidur. Ahmad tidur di sofa bed. Bukan di kamar. Ahmad udah mulai tidur, gue jemur singletnya yg kena basah2 keringet dikit. Sambil nyari nacl buat nebu. Lagu nyari2 nacl, kaya ada suara ahmad kejedot jendela. Pas gue liat, Ahmad kejang! 😲 kejaaaangggg ya Allah.... 😲😲😲😭 buru2 lari ke kulkas ngambil stesolid supp. Masukin ke pantat Ahmad. Sambil ngucap Astagfirullah beeeerkali-kali. Stesolid masuk. Gue nangis 😭😭😭 kok Ahmad bisa kejaang 😭😭😭 Gue ukur ulang suhunya, 36.5. Kok 36.5 udah kejanggg 😭😭😭

Alhamdulillah kejangnya berhenti. Tapi nangis gue belom berhenti. Mamah nyuruh nelfon Riko. Dia pulang ke rumah ibunya. Berangkat sejak Rabu subuh. Gue telfon beberapa kali sampe akhirnya diangkat. Ada ibunya juga. Gue masih nangis. Gue ngasitau tadi pagi Ahmad demam. Trus barusan kejang. Dia istigfar. Ibunya juga. Trus ibunya nangis juga.

Setelah Ahmad sadar, gue wa beberapa dokter. Yang bales dr. Ernadia (yg ngerawat Ahmad di RSKD Duren Sawit waktu kena Covid tahun lalu). jawab beliau "Kalau kejang lagi, bawa ke IGD". 

Abis itu Ahmad tidur. Suhunya menuju demam :( Udah 37,sekian. Masuk diazepam emang bikin ngantuk. Ahmad cuma bangun sekitar 10 menit atau 15 menit. Azan magrib disuruh bangunin sama mamah. Gue kasih minum, gue kasih obat, gue kasih minum lagi. Muntah 😭

Ya Allah gagal banget rasanya ka jadi ibu 😭😭😭. Salah terus nge-treat Ahmad 😭😭😭

Abis muntah, Ahmad keringetan. Suhunya mulai normal lagi. Alhamdulillah. Gue kasih minum lagi. Gue kasih obat lagi (karena tadi dimuntahin) gue suapin makan. Tapi makannya diemut.  Sekitar jam 19.00 tidur. Jam 20.00 bangun, gue suapin lagi. Tapi sambil ngantuk2. Abis itu gue nggak liat jam lagi. Ahmad tiduran dipangku gue sambil gue suapin makan. Trus gue ikut ketiduran. Gue kebangun karena Ahmad bergerak kaya mau muntah gitu. Etapi nggak lama, kejaaang 😭😭😭 laaagiiii 😭😭😭 ya Allah.... gue teriak lagi manggil mamaah yg lagi di kamar rafy 😭

Oke berarti ini nggak bisa. Harus dibawa ke RS. Setelah masukin diazepam lagi, gue ambil tas Ahmad, masukin singlet, cd, baju yg longgar2, celana, handuk, termometer, obat, segala perlengkapan yg kira2 akan dibutuhkan nanti kalau ranap. Gue ambil juga beberapa daster+cd sama masker. Gue udah bolak-balik beresin ini-itu, ternyata Ahmad masih belom sadar. Masih mereng matanya, dia kejang absanss... 😭😭😭

Rafy siap2 ke mobil. Gue ganti baju. Rafy sampe rumah lagi, langsung gendong Ahmad. Gue bawa bawaan. Mamah ikut. Kita berangkat ke RSKD Duren Sawit.  Alhamdulillah cuma keluar komplek aja. Sampai IGD gue masih panik. Meledak2. Gue jelasin ke dokter sambil tetep deg2an panik, nangis. Ahmad diinfus, diambil darah. Gue disuruh daftar. Gue daftar. Daftarnya lama karena ada ibu2 yg datanya bermasalah. Trus Ahmad didorong keluar ruangan. Ke ICU khusus. Trus gue dikasi tau nyokap kalau ternyata Ahmad covid. Coviiiiiddd??? Laagiii??😭 ini kecurigaan gue antara Riko sama Papah. Both of them are itikaf di mesjid di 10 malam terakhir. Tapi malah jadi batuk, pilek, meriang. Hiiikkkkssss...... YaAllaaahhh.... yaudahlah siapa aja lah yg nularin Ahmad, sembuhkan Ahmad ya Allaah.. Jaga Ahmaaaad 😭😭😭

di IGD isolasi
Ahmad abis diinfus pct 1 gr. 
Iya. 1 gr = 1000 mg 😢

Ahmad udah di kamar ranap yg sama kaya tahun lalu, di ruang Arbei.

Ahmad masuk kamar Minggu (23/4/2023) dini hari sekitar 00.30. Alhamdulillah suhu Ahmad aman sampai subuh. Sekitar jam 01.00 sempet diinfus phenitoin (gue minta). Tapi jam 06.00 mulai lagi suhu Ahmad kaya mau naik :( sekitar jam 09.00, masuk pct injeksi. Sambil terus dikompres. Menjelang zuhur mulai naik lagi :( masuk lagi phenitoin injeksi. Menjelang sore 17.30, mau naik lagi. masuk lagi paracetamol injeksi. Hiikkksss.. Banyak banget obat masuk ke Ahmad 😭

Alhamdulillah abis magrib suhunya mulai stabil. Ahmad udah mulai rusuh. Kalau Ahmad mulai rusuh, insyaAllah artinya dia mulai enakan. Alhamdulillah ya Allah... 

anak kecil kesayanganku yg suhunya mulai stabil dan mulai gratakin apa-apa yg bisa digratakin. Hiks. I just love him so much 😢

Minggu malam (23/4/23) Ahmad tidur menjelang jam 10 malam dan Alhamdulillah suhu Ahmad aman sampe pagi. 

Senin (24/4/23) seharian aman. Amaaaaannn bgt. Infus Ahmad udah copot dan Ahmad udah bergerak kesana-kemari (tapi tetep dalam kamar aja).,gue sampe foto2in Ahmad... 

Gue juga kepikiran nanti malam mau wa dr Ernadia supaya besok (selasa) udah dibolehin pulang. Etapiii tiba2 menjelang tidur malam badannya mulai anget lagi. Suhunya diatas 37,5 lagii... Ahmad demam lagiii 😭lapor suster lagi dan diinjeksi pct lagi. Hiiiikkksss... 

Besoknya (Selasa 25/4/23) sebelum dr Ernadia visit, badannya Ahmad masih anget. 

👩‍⚕: "yaahh..kok demam lagi. coba istirahat lagi dulu ya."

🧕🏻: " Iya dokterrr :( rencananya, tadi malam aku mau wa dokter. minta supaya Ahmad boleh pulang hari ini. Tapi aku belum sempat wa dokter, tiba2 anget lagi badannya :( "

👩‍⚕: "Tadinya memang mau saya kasih pulang hari ini. Hmmm... Yaudah, kita coba ganti semua obat injeksi sama oral ya. Kita pantau sampai besok".  

🧕🏻: " baik dokter"

Dan dicopotlah perangkat mesin2 infus itu. Tapi infusnya masih dipasang. Mesin buat ngitung tetesnya aja yg dicopot. 

waktu Ahmad demam lagi

sebelum dr Ernadia visit hari Selasa.
Ahmad masih demam :(

bangun tidur siang, Alhamdulillah suhu Ahmad mulai stabil lagi. Hiikksss. Alhamdulillah.... Alhamdulillah ya Allah.. 😭 Rollercoaster bgt rasanya. Hiiikkkssss

Ahmad mulai rusuh lagi. Gapapa deh gapapa beneeerr yg penting sehaat 😭 sekitar jam 4an, Ahmad nyodor2in tangannya yg diinfus. Bis ditarik dong ternyata bantalannya 😩 gue panggil suster minta benerin. Udah. Bener. Menjelang magrib, Ahmad diem lagi. Udah takut lagi kan gue Ahmad nggak enak badan lagi 😭 trus gue liat infusnya. Tangannya bengkak. Hiikkksss.. ini kan bisa bikin demam juga 😭😭😭Gue matiin infusnya, trus panggil suster lagi. Dibukalah. Dan bener bengkak. Akhirnya dikompres pake air dingin.

Gue gatau rasanya gimana tangan bengkak karena cairan infus, tapi Ahmad nyodorin segala jenis obat ke tangannya yg bengkak. Hiikkksss.. Anakku pinter ya Allah.. 😭 jaga dia. Ampuni akuu. Aku yg banyak dosa 😭😭😭

Malamnya Ahmad tidur menjelang jam 10 juga. Alhamdulillah nyenyak. Bangun langsung minta makan. 🥲

nyuruh buka tupperware. Karena dari kemarin dibekelin sayur bening sama nenek dan Alhamdulillah Ahmad suka 🥲

Rabu (26/4/23) abis sarapan, Ahmad tidur2an di perut gue sambil main HP. Gue ketiduran, Ahmad juga 😅 dr Ernadia visit sekitar jam 10. Gue kebangun. Ahmad Alhamdulillah udah stabil. Udah diizinin pulang. Urusannya beres sekitar jam setengah 2. Kita pulang dijemput Rafy. Rafy ke mobil, kita nunggu di lobby sambil cuci tangan. 

Kita langsung ke puskesmas, karena gue udah dihubungi sama tracer PKC duren sawit. Dan ditunggu sampe jam 2. Jam 2 kurang 5 kita sampe. Puskesmas udah sepi, tenda swab udah kosong. Nggak sampe 10 menit, selesai. Gue balik ke mobil. Hari hujan. Gue minta rafy muter dulu sebentar. Kasian Ahmad pas keluar ruangan isolasi langsung norak gitu 🥲. akhirnya diajak muter sampe karet, baru pulang. Sampe rumah Ahmad riang. Rumah nenek yg rapih jadi berantakan lagi. 🥲 maaf ya nenek.. 🥲🥲🥲 Ahmad sayang nenek 💛🧡💚

Ya Allah, setelah ini masih panjang lagi jalan yg harus dilalui untuk Ahmad ya Allah. Mudahkan ya Allah. Mudahkan kami dalam menjemput kesembuhan Ahmad. Sehatkan juga nenek sama enyik. Izinkan ka untuk masih bisa sama2 mereka. Mampukan ka untuk menjaga dan membahagiakan mereka semua ya Allah.. Aamiin Aamiin YRA... 😢

when in Hotel Borobudur (the very first time make use of office facility)

Selain karena kerjaan, udah jadi kebiasaan juga kalau mayoritas kantor akan bikin lebih banyak kegiatan di akhir tahun untuk menghabiskan anggaran. And so do mine. Singkatnya ada 2 kegiatan dalam kota di weekend ini dan Alhamdulillah gue kebagian. Itu pun berkat ke-kekeuh-an seorang teman supaya gue diikutkan. a kind hearted young lady 🥲

acaranya Jumat-Minggu. Jumat sampai larut 🥲, Sabtu sampe sore. Minggu bebaass~

Karena lah bebas dan ada kamar yg bisa dipake, ku bersikukuh supaya bisa ajak Ahmad. selama ini belom pernah ajak Ahmad.. Sempet hampir nggak dapet kamar karena miskom akyu gak mau pake kamar, jadi kamarnya dipake sendiri2. Wkwkkw. Tapi pada akhirnya malah dapet 3 kamar 🥲🥲🥲 walaupun kemudian di teruskan ke yg lain lagi. Wkwkkw

Ahmad sampe hotel hari Sabtu sore sekitar jam 6. sama Rafy sama mamah. Tapi parkiran penuh. Muter muter muter baru dapet parkir udah mau jam 7. Langsung bawa Ahmad ke kamar. 15 menit pertama, Ahmad happy. Namun selanjutnya bosen. Wkwkkw. Kamar hotel kan ya segitu aja ya ukurannya 😅. pagu pelaksana. Beda lagi kamar Menteri ya. Wkwkwk. Tapi jendelanya lebaaaaarrr dan view kamarnya menghadap ke Monumen Pembebasan Irian Barat yg di Lapangan Banteng, Gereja Katedral sama Masjid Istiqlal. Yg mana kalau malam lampunya nyala gemerlapan dan Ahmad suka ☺ tapi sukanya cuma 15 menitan doang juga. Wkwkw.. Setelahnya bosen lagi. Dan kemudian dikasihlah hp 🥲 supaya mau lanjut makan karena malam sudah semakin laruut~

ini setelah dikasih hp

Semaleman gue gabisa pegang HP. Dikuasai Ahmad. Bahkan untuk foto view malam aja gabisa 🥲

and here is my morning view

Mamah bangun pagi seperti biasa. Doi susah tidur karena sesak. Lantai kamarnya karpet. Dan mamah riwayat alergi 😢

Jam setengah 7an mamah sarapan. Gue masih di kamar. Beres2 sambil nungguin Ahmad bangun. Setelah bangun, lap lap, ganti baju, bikin telor dadar, dan dimulai lah. "Ahmad, duduk di situ mau mamah foto"

bagyuus 💛

banyak kan. wwkwkwk

dan mulai kzl 😅

foto ala siluet sama neneek~

rafy sama mamah selesai sarapan, Ahmad udah bosen bgt. menjelang jam 9 kita check out~

nakecik nunggu mamahnya ngembaliin kunci 

Christmas spot. Sebenernya gue nggak terlalu paham apakah untuk foto di spot Natal juga dilarang dalam Islam. Tapi lucu. Yauds capture aja buat konsumsi pribadi. Bismillah. 🥲

mudah2an nggak dosa ya Ya Allah. kamarnya nggak kepake kok. insyaAllah bukan ngambil hak oranglain..

tapi kayanya udahan aja bawa ahmad kalau ada acara gini. kasian :( legaan di rumah. ahmad lebih bebas mainnya. bismillah semoga selalu diberikan kebaikan sama Allah. semoga sehat selalu. Aamiin yra...